Daft as a brush. Or am I. Enigmatic eh! If it isn't Prog Rock or Wagner it's not music. So what the hell am I doing playing the ukulele? It's a life journey thing: I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Syrian refugees, I write award-winning operettas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can ride bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed and I cook Thirty-Minute dinners in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village on the North Norfolk Coast from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by NCFC, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive facebook posts. I have been caller number nine and have won the lottery. Last summer I toured Huddersfield with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I have a cricket average over 100. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international Ikebana circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, War and Peace, and The Da Vinci Code in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for MI6. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on holiday in Italy, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a microwave and a toaster. I breed prizewinning fish. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. And now I play the ukulele.

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